So many images run through my head, I don't know how u do it, but U're awesome at it

Thanks for reading and commenting

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Do you realize where he thinks he comes from?

I enjoyed this very much. Nicely done. I do have some suggestions, though.

The darling detached heads of children bobbing up;
sweet dangers, the lips were puckered, expecting kisses

This an excellent foreshadow of the Begnoias. Yet you've got grammar problems here, I think. L1 is not a sentence, and needs to be. You then seem to switch tenses in L2 with "were puckered." Also, "Darling" and "sweet dangers" seem too precious and telly, at least in an opening strophe. I'd cut them, and also the semicolon. Perhaps something like:

The detached heads of children are bobbing up,
their lips puckered, expecting kisses.

In S2, L1, I think by shifting the comma to after "come," you get a smoother read, and "they come" is thus emphasized, which is stronger than putting your money on "slowly":

So slowly they come, bicycling from their alleys,
their pristine cul-de-sacs.


I sit on the window-sill, their cuckold and whore
makers running after them, comically --

You've got a jerky transition from clause to clause in L1 here. You might smooth it a bit and make it simpler to grasp by adding another verb, and breaking on "cuckold." (I think you might need a dash after cukold and whore?) Thus:

I sit on the window-sill and watch their cukold-
and whore-makers run after them, comically.


The neighborhood, gathering round their
collective bonfire, they hold papers of them,
the lost one.

I'd try to keep the couplets here. I'd pull up "the lost one" into the previous line. It seems a bit weak by itself. You have a tendancy to get passive with gerunds. Try to avoid them, if you can. I think you might consider breaking on "collective," also. Thus:

The neighborhood gathers round their collective
bonfire, they hold papers of their lost one.



It has been days. Whose white gown
lies on my lap, and whose smile across my cheek?

There's a great opportunity here to enjamb on "lies" with it's double entendre. I'd cut "and" also. Thus:

It has been days, Whose white gown lies
on my lap, whose smile across my cheek?



They are shuffling through their sterling definitions.
They turn up dirt looking for me, casting it aside:

Again with the "ing" verbs. Make it active! I'd consider, also, tying L1 and L2 closer together with a semicolon after "definitions." Thus:

They shuffle through their sterling definitions;
they turn up dirt looking for me, casting it aside


I am too deep, a clamshell buried farther down.
(I heard a whispering above.)

I'd like to start this strophe, and thus emphasize, "too deep." And also, I think, enjamb on "buried." You tend to break most of your lines on end-stops, and you're losing a lot of opportunities. Plus, perhaps keep the tense in the present with "I hear: in L2. Thus:

Too deep, I am a clamsheel buried
farther down. (I hear a whispering above)



I dare not make a sound, lest they hear;
within an hour they should withdraw their spades,
as if finishing surgery.

Again, pull this into a couplet. And it gets too wordy, too prosey for my taste. I'd condense it. For example, cut "lest they hear," since it's implied in "I dare not make a sound." Perhaps something like:

I dare not make a sound; soon they will withdraw
their spades, as if finishing surgery


They seem so fine and neat. Upon an anvil,
they press letters to brand the others - like cattle.

I think you should find a better way than use "press" AND "brand" in the same line. Perhaps:

They seem so fine and neat. Upon an anvil,
they brand the others with letters- like cattle



The mud, precise and consistent,
finds itself folding in with pressure.

Again, "finds itself folding" is too passive, I think:

The mud, precise and consistent,
folds itself in with pressure


To sleep, there are more dreams to be dreamt,
I'm told -- yet I close my eyes and none come.

I'm not sure about this whole couplet. If you really need it, I'd try to avoid the Hamlet allusion (to sleep, perchance to dream). Otherwise, perhaps cut it.


Day breaks into night, splitting in a brittle way,
as one would expect a bone or twig:

no nits. Like the above.


Sunrise burns to go down, a vacuum
in space seems tirelessly hungry:

This is good, but "seems tirelessly hungry" isn't strong enough for the image. You need a metaphor, not a simile:


Sunrise burns to go down, a vacuum
in space, tirelessly hungry


As I went there, I expected to find them
Weeping for me, I was disappointed.

Forgive my brief, halting form of verse,
but air runs low beneath the begonias.

The last two strophes, I think, can be combined into one, and give a much more powerful punch, if you cut the telly bits. I think breaking on "weeping for me" will imply the disappointment, so cut that. Also, N pulls out of the poem with the reference to "verse," and it's disorienting for the reader. I'd suggest:

As I went there, I expected to find them weeping
for me, but air runs low beneath the begonias.

So, the above are mere suggestions. Use them if you like, and disregard if you don't, of course.

Thanks for writing this. I think it's got a lot of potential.

Take care.

-charles

--
"A liberal is the guy who leaves the room when a fight starts."
- Big Bill Haywood

Hey, I edited Thanks!

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Do you realize where he thinks he comes from?

Ah, nice job!

It's definitely improved, but I think it still might need some tweaking. Let me think on it a bit, k?

-C

--
"A liberal is the guy who leaves the room when a fight starts."
- Big Bill Haywood

I think that this in a very capable poem, you have many interesting ideas whick work and the poem flows well.

Adeimantus obviously had some good suggestions and between you, you create this brilliant poem, I enjoyed it

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Out Of Action

Thanks very much

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Do you realize where he thinks he comes from?

no problem

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Out Of Action

That was amazing. The pictures that were evidently displayed through your words are so vivid and enticing. I can't express just how moved I am by your piece.